How to Open Lines of Communication with Your Adult Children

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is waiting until a crisis forces a conversation. This “crisis communication” approach can lead to high stress, rushed decisions, and misunderstandings. Instead, aim to have these discussions before they are urgently needed. When conversations are held with intention, rather than under the pressure of an emergency, everyone is generally more likely to approach them calmly and thoughtfully.

Thrivent research reports that 59% of families wait until a medical crisis to begin talking about caregiving and health decisions, leaving family members overwhelmed and underprepared¹. When decisions are made in haste, misunderstandings are common, and family members may be left second-guessing choices long after the crisis has passed.

• Tip: Frame the conversation as something proactive, not reactive. For example, you might say:

• “I’d love to have a family conversation to make sure we’re all on the same page about my future plans. It’s important to me that everyone feels prepared and heard.”

Checklist for Starting with Intention

• Schedule the conversation on a calm, ordinary day — not during holidays or stressful events.
• Let your children know in advance what you want to talk about.
• Avoid starting the conversation in the middle of a family gathering.
• Use collaborative language like “I’d love to hear your thoughts on this” or “I want us to be on the same page.”

Sometimes, the most powerful way to disarm defensiveness is to call it out directly. If you feel hesitant or nervous about the conversation, be honest about it. Adult children are often more receptive when parents acknowledge the discomfort, which helps make the discussion feel more human and relatable.

Example phrase:

“I know this might be a little awkward, but I want to have an honest conversation about some important things. It’s better for us to talk about it now rather than later when it might be harder.”

This approach helps your children understand that you’re not lecturing them or demanding anything, but instead, you’re inviting them into a conversation as equal participants.

According to an AARP study, nearly 75% of adult children said they felt “more at ease” discussing tough topics with their parents when the parent acknowledged that the conversation was uncomfortable². This simple act of transparency may help reduce defensiveness and build trust.

Checklist for Acknowledging Awkwardness

• Be honest about your nerves or discomfort.
• Use humor, if appropriate, to lighten the mood.
• Let your children know that you value their perspective.
• Acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers.

If the conversation feels like a list of “Here’s what I need you to do for me,” it’s likely to create resistance. Children may feel like they’re being burdened with responsibilities rather than being invited to participate. Instead, frame the conversation as a collaborative family discussion.

Try these techniques:

• Instead of saying: “I need you to handle my finances if I can’t.”
• Try this: “I want us to figure out a plan together for managing my finances if I ever need help.”

This approach encourages your children to be problem-solvers and collaborators. It also demonstrates respect for their input, which may make them more likely to engage.

Checklist for Framing it as a Family Conversation

• Use “we” language instead of “I” or “you.”
• Ask your children for their input on possible solutions.
• Emphasize collaboration rather than delegating responsibilities.

Many parents approach conversations with adult children by telling them “Here’s what I need you to know.” While it’s important to be clear, it’s equally important to listen. Asking open-ended questions encourages a two-way dialogue instead of a one-sided lecture.

Open-ended questions to try:

• “What’s your biggest concern about my aging process?”
• “How do you see your role in supporting me as I age?”
• “What would make you feel more comfortable and prepared for the future?”

These questions invite your children to share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, which can lead to a richer, more connected conversation. You might discover that your children have fears or questions you hadn’t considered.

Checklist for Asking Open-Ended Questions

• Avoid “yes” or “no” questions.
• Use “how” and “what” questions to promote deeper discussion.
• Encourage reflection by saying, “Take your time — I want to hear your thoughts.”

When parents initiate these types of conversations with their children, the focus often jumps to logistics — who will be the power of attorney, what happens to the house, or how health care decisions will be made. While these topics are important, they are not the heart of the issue.

What adult children really want to know is, “What matters most to you?”

Examples of what to say:

• “I want you to know that staying in my home for as long as possible is important to me.”
• “If I can’t make my own health decisions, I want you to prioritize comfort and quality of life over aggressive or invasive treatment.”

According to a 2024 Pew Research Center report, 64% of adult children felt more comfortable making caregiving decisions when they understood their parent’s core values³.

Checklist for Talking About What Matters Most

• Share your “big picture” priorities, not just logistical tasks.
• Identify your core values and wishes before the conversation.
• Ask your children what they think matters most in your family dynamic.

Sometimes, abstract concepts like “estate planning” or “end-of-life care” can feel too distant. Stories help make it real. Use family stories to illustrate the importance of having proactive discussions.

Example:

“Remember how Aunt Lisa’s kids had no idea what she wanted when she had her accident? Let’s have a conversation so you all know exactly what I would want to happen in that situation.”

According to AARP, 56% of adults start family conversations about aging after witnessing a friend’s or relative’s experience with a health crisis⁴.

Checklist for Using Stories

• Use real-life family or friend’s stories to illustrate the importance of the conversation.
• Avoid judgment or blame when talking about other people’s experiences.
• Reiterate that you do not want your family to have to make tough decisions during an emergency situation.

Conversations about aging, legacy, and caregiving aren’t “one-and-done” discussions. It’s better to approach them as an ongoing series of dialogue over time. If your first exchange feels tense or incomplete, don’t worry. Come back to it later.

What to say if the first conversation doesn’t go well:

“I know this is a lot, and it’s okay if it feels overwhelming. Let’s think it over and come back to it next week.”

Checklist for Ongoing Conversations

• Schedule follow-up meetings.
• Revisit the conversation every 3-6 months.
• Allow space for everyone to process and reflect.

Opening lines of communication with your adult children isn’t about control — it’s about connection. By focusing on empathy, shared goals, and thoughtful planning, you’ll help create a space where every family member feels seen, heard, and prepared for the future. You don’t have to have all the answers right away, but taking the first step today will help ensure that your family is ready for tomorrow.